Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Love letter to 2013

And here I thought it was gonna be great. Just you and me, taking on the world. I was just about thirty, and you were looking great in you second millennium. 

I had these expectations. About how it would be. And what we would do together. But you always had something better to do. You stood me up more times than I can count.  No matter how many times I checked my phone there was no message blinking for me. 

So you know what 2013?  I'm glad you're gone. You looked so great on paper but the truth is I'm exactly where I was when 2012 left me, just with shorter hair and a few less pounds. 

I think I've got a great future with 2014. Less days on the crying highway. Less evenings watching reruns thinking about how you're letting me down. Less crying over family comedies because of what I thought we could have together. 

So 2014... I have no expectations. Except that so far I've only worn pajamas and I think that's pretty alright. I will try not to cast a bright light on what I want from you... But just appreciate what you have to offer  

But we all know I still have hopes. 

Friday, 17 May 2013

Out on the Terrace

I've never been one to have dream dining experiences.  In my opinion every dining experience should be embarked upon with some sense of 'occasion'.  Some people save money for year to afford flights and hotel so they can eat at the French Laundry.  Not me.  I'm happy with Marc in Edmonton (oh the tart...).  I enjoyed Model Milk in Calgary (although not totally my food, the orange cream and beet salad was outstanding).  Today, however, I've been reading Rebkah Pearse's blog and have realized how desperately 'd like to head to the Okanogan to go to some fancy restaurant overlooking the valley to watch the sun set and drink Mission Hill wine. 

Officially:  I would like to go to the Terrance Restaurant in BC for supper. 

I would spend hours here... I would never leave.

Maybe that's an entire vacation.

And that's okay.  I don't think there's anything wrong with going to BC, camping for several days, and spending one day primping up to go for dinner. 

One day.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Second Thoughts

I used to tell myself stories before bed.  I suppose you could label it day dreaming.  Or night dreaming... but that just sounds like dreaming.  I would lay in bed, and as I slipped into sleep I would imagine.  I imagined characters, I would imagine myself too... it was always a story about me.  Some were ridiculous... like a tour manager for a rock band.  Some were based out of real life... like finally sticking my beam routine at a competition., or getting new skills. 

Why don't I do this anymore?  Have I lost touch with myself enough that I don't dream?  That I have no goals or aspirations?  Did I fall into being an adult and feel like the time that I get to dream about my adult life is over? 

That's ridiculous. 

So I'm going back to that.  While I swim I'm gonna tell myself stories.  Deal. 

Well... now I'm just a little bit excited. 

It was gonna be really good.

So I was swimming last night (proud of me yet?) and I realized that while I run all I'm thinking about is how desperately I want the time/distance to click past faster so I can stop.  And yes, I still want a treadmill when I get out of my apartment.  When I swim I feel like a graceful manatee (we're not at dolphin yet, and we're a looooong way from mermaid).  It doesn't feel like a huge strain... it feels calm, relaxing.

Runners talk about finding that zen moment, and I feel like I almost got there (story of my life... almost got there... ba ha ha....) but when I realized I was enjoying myself, and having a nice end to my day I thought "wow... I'm actually relaxed and centered.  This would be a great time to collect my thoughts and just think."  So then I set about thinking...


What does one think about???

I feel like I bombard myself with TV, music, podcasts, conversations, work, planning... when do I actually sit and think?  When was the last time I afforded myself some time to just daydream?  I suppose this is one of the reasons I love my drive to Calgary on Saturdays.  I get my coffee, I have good tunes, my car is now clean (AND AMAZING) and I just drift to Stampede City.  By the time I get there I feel very good about life.  (whoa... maybe this is the exact reason I need to start swimming in the morning!) But even then, even on the most "shut off" of moments I afford myself, it's mostly about music.  So swimming.. until I get myself those water headphones... is a quiet affair.  I even tried to drum up mental business by assigning myself something to think about.  Yikes.

I love being in the water.  I don't know how to swim, and it truly is a manatee excursion.   I can frog paddle, and I can backstroke okay, and I am learning to front crawl.  I was getting better, and I will again.  And somewhere in the meantime I will learn how to think.  And be by myself.  And quiet.

Friday, 26 April 2013

Lighten up!

So... I've lost over ten pounds.  I'm on the smallest loop in my belt.  I need to buy new bras.  I think that's pretty rad.  I feel like I've shed just enough that I'm no longer wearing a fat suit.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not skinny.  I haven't magically turned into some svelte, tall supermodel.  I'm still me, but I'm getting closer to that better version I know is inside.

And life keeps rambling on.  All those things I worry about fall into place, before being replaced with more free radicals floating about in my brain.  I suppose that's life.  I suppose that's how it goes. 

I wish there was just one moment... a chunk of time... that I could really say I was doing it.  I think maybe while I was cleaning I felt like I was.  I had money for wine, and to go out to eat, I was paying off my credit card... and could buy a new outfit sometimes.  And that's really all I ask for. 

Cross your fingers that the futures like they said it would be.  Flying cars and all that shit. 

I'm looking forward to summer... those days when you can keep the window open, when you don't need to put on a coat.  It's a different feeling of openness from everyone... strangers are smiling, not wrapping their coat around their face.

Well.. I'm gonna go eat some pizza and then some treatzza pizza and call this week a wash.